Thursday, December 31, 2009

Welcome 2010

It feels weird to me that it's 10:30pm (or close to) and that I'm blogging. I haven't written an actual post that wasn't centered on scrapbooking in who knows how long. It's not that I don't have things to say, get me on the phone and you can't shut me up, I'm with the kids all day so conversation is really something I enjoy! I can't say I will miss 2009. The year was just okay for me. The last half especially sucked for me, starting in July when I was laid off while on my mat leave due to the company closing it's doors. I started the day home in October when my mat leave was over, and it hasn't been an easy journey. I have had more challenges with my four year old son than I've ever had in his entire life. He has been difficult, not listening, no respect, and just general bad behaviour. I have tried devoting extra time to him, and it hasn't helped, as everyone thought his issue was jealousy, or boredom. I still don't know what it is, things haven't really changed at all. Having the day home is not working for me even on a more personal level. I know some women find real meaning in being there for there kids, and caring for little ones. And while I do want to be there for my kids, and they are my first priority, I can't say I am finding the personal satisfaction in changing poopy diapers and feeding kids 12 times a day (at least that's what it feels like!) I have been applying for jobs for the last month, and have had at least 4 interviews, but no offers. The last one sounded really positive but I didn't get a call back, so I've decided to actually call back myself and find out what the reason was for why I didn't get this one. Is it my references, my interview, anything in particular, or just a matter of someone being more qualified than me, or being just as qualified but able to start right away? This is really kicking the crap out of my self confidence, as for the first time in my life, I don't have a job. I have always, and I mean ALWAYS been offered the job if I had an interview for it, and I know the job market has changed a little bit due to the economy, but I just don't get it. I'm personable, reliable, have a good resume and am an honest, hard working person. And yet, I feel like I'm incapable of getting a job, and it makes me feel like a loser. Financially, we're okay for the moment, I have the little girl coming to my day home until March, but if I don't find something by then I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I really want a job, and that is my goal for 2010! I found personal satisfaction in doing books at the job I was at, and it was my dream job, great hours, great pay, great people, and I was so sad to see the job disappear. It's kind of hard to go to anything else after having that, but I will. The only hard part is, I can't even go work nights, as I had thought about even working at Tim Hortons (which could be trouble as anyone that knows me knows how much I love my Timmies) but because of the hours my hubby works, which are very irregular and he's on call, I have to work daytime hours where I have guaranteed child care. SO needless to say, the last half of the year has sucked for me on a very personal level, not having work, financial stress, plus the stress of feeling like a crappy mom for yelling at my son all day, and it has been so bad some days that I'm crying over the mac and cheese as I make the kids lunch. I have really been struggling, and I find it funny how one small change like place of employment can impact me so much, in how I view myself, how I think others view me, and how it can all snowball into so many other areas of my life.

On the other hand, while I've been at home, I've been able to devote a lot of my time to my new passion, which is obviously digital scrapbooking. I've met some wonderful designers through blogging that I wouldn't otherwise have had the chance to get to know, and I now call some of them friends! Even if they're only cyber friends, but I think it's a really cool thought to know that I have friends all over the world. I'm grateful to be on several creative teams, and have the honor to do layouts with some great kits! I've found the digi-scrapping world to be friendly and warm, and I really love doing it. It's also challenged me to take better photos, and I really want to get my camera off the auto setting in the new year.

My family has also grown and changed in the last year, my daughter who was born in the fall of 2008 when I first started blogging is now 15 months old, walking talking and full of attitude! My son and I have had a rough few months, but he tells me he loves me constantly and I am enjoying seeing new aspects of his personality emerge, between all the bouts of bad behavior. My husband and I celebrated our seventh wedding anniversary this year, and we have a solid relationship, I know he will always be there when I need him, and no matter what challenges I've had I know he will always love me.

So there have been ups and downs, but I do have a lot to be thankful for. In the new year, I am going to be more positive, and take some concrete steps to get my life back where I want it to be. I want to be a good mom for my kids, and truly enjoy the time I have with them. I want to feel like a positive person, and try to eliminate those critical and negative thoughts that I often have. I think a lot of who you are starts right there in your own thoughts, which are powerful things for something so intangible. I never blogged about losing my job before, I guess I wasn't ready to share it, and now just feels like the right time to purge it. Get rid of it in the last hour before the year is over, so I can leave all the poopy stuff back in '09. So if I've said it once, I'll say it a million times, thanks to all of you that read my posts. This blog has been a weird little trip for me, starting out with some ramblings and the odd rant here and there about whatever happened to grab my attention at the moment, to a crafty blog where I shared my quilting and sewing passion (which is still a passion, it just gets pushed to the back burner more often now that Rayna is more mobile and my time is more limited). Then it's changed yet again to show off my love of digital scrapping. Who knows what it'll be like next year at this time. So thanks for hanging out with me, I really do appreciate it. And while I hope for better things for myself for the new year, I also wish every one of you the best! I hope all your dreams come true, and the new year brings you opportunities to do things you never thought you would, the courage to grab those opportunities, and the love and support to enjoy the windfalls. Good riddance to this year, and welcome 2010! Happy New Year everyone!

1 comment:

Marif said...

Happy New Year Rose! I do hope 2010 brings you all you're looking for. Good luck with the job hunting, with your son's attitude (mine is only 2 but it's coming for me, I know it), with building your self-confidence back up after all this and of course health and happiness!

See you around scrapland!

Beware the few racy photos...thought it was worth it to see all the other ones!